Lady Lix and Her Bag of Tricks
by goldenmeadow
Summary: Glass toys? Cleaning products? Furniture stores and sexin’ galore? A wee get well round robin for our slobber-monkey. Very RATED M for adults only. AU, hilarious hot, so bring your funny bone and leave your panties at the door. Oneshot silliness.


**Viola Cornuta **beta'd this behemoth bitch, and didn't she do a fine job!

**Disclaimer: **Definitely NOT SM's fanfic, but the characters came from her, sort of.

This is for our Lix: she's loyal and gorgeous and has the biggest heart I've seen. She's also very fucking funny and sexy as hell. To show our devotion, and not a little bit of deviousness, we wrote you something totally silly with the biggest love and get well wishes! We thought we'd start with the idea of glass toys, a clean freak Bella (because we know how you are!), and a little gameshow fun…

Dildo care of TwiliteAddict! (If you want to set the mood)**: **www(DOT)glassfantasy(DOT)com/

**The troupe of trollops: **

**Me  
**

**frol  
Gasaway Alley  
RowanMoon  
winterstale  
RosaBella75  
TwifanUK  
JaspersBrand  
Viridis73  
ViolaCornuta**  
**TwiliteAddict**

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**Lady Lix and Her Bag of Tricks**

"What. The. Fuck. Is. That?"

"Holy shit, Alice, did you use up all your vowels with that or what?"

Her mouth slammed shut over a sliver of sylvan drool, probably more toxic than the venom from a water moccasin. I broke out the antibacterial wipes and Febreeze ASAP. No way was I going to let that shit stain my perfectly darned, starched and crisp bed linen.

_Uh-huh._

Of course fucking Vanna White, aka Rosalie, decided to chime in with her upper class consonants, all rolled in her mouth as if she went to school at fucking Eton instead of the Bronx or wherever the hell she grew up in all her Silver Spoon glory back in the Stone Age.

"Pat, I think we can safely say that's a G-L -- _may I buy a vowel please_ -- A-S-S D-I-L-D-O." She clapped as if taking on the spirit of the funky sprite, "Holy hell, look! It's _Ass Dildo_! So, Bella, do ya' take it in the button-hole?" Her lasciviously waggling eyebrows were like lethal plucked and polished caterpillars way too fucking high on her brow to be au naturel.

Fuck My Life.

"Well, if you supernatural vampires with your _keen _hearing would give us some space, maybe all bets'd be off. As it is, I have to take matters _into my own hands_ more often than not because Eddie's too _gentlemanly _and _discreet_ to do more than touch me, vaporously, with you all ghosting about." I didn't blush because it was the damn fool truth, and I was kinda sick of it.

And now I had four ingot eyes framed by salon trimmed eyebrows peering at me.

_Spin the fucking wheel._

Alice gulped like a guppy and her Biloxi Belle came out, "Honey, all you had to do was ask."

Rosalie smacked her on the ass like they were tight ends or something, _fucking team Cullen,_ and reiterated, "No doubt, girl! Now I wonder what Edward's been up to all this time. And..._Eddie? _That man would shit bricks to hear you calling him that! If he could shit anything, of course."

Before I could get a word in edgewise, the demonic duo one-two'd me. Alice flicked out, clasping the cool glass, while --_Jesus Fucking Christ!_ -- Rosalie foraged under my bed to retrieve my back-up blown-glass boner, "And what have we here?"

Alice giggled, "Looks like a double edged sword to me, Rosie."

Stomping to the narrow stairs, both my glacial cocks in hand, I heard another query, "Why do you like glass, Bella?" The sickly sweet sing-song came from Rosalie, of course.

I glared above at the hellish bitch and stopped mid-landing, "Because, simply put, it's cold, smooth, and hits all the right places."

My bedstead groaned with their rollicking at my statement, and I gave them the finger, wishing I could at least kick their vampire asses outta my house.

_And one more fucking time,_ "Hey, Bella...how do you wash them? You know, without Charlie finding them drying on the rinse board?"

_Little Lilliputian light-heeled motherfucker, Alice._ There was nothing wrong with having pride in one's home, "and DILDOES!" I rampaged to the ground floor just as the doorbell rang and a wide-shouldered silhouette made itself clear beyond the frosted plexi-glass of the sidelights.

_Did I say FML yet?_

_  
_I mumbled, "In the dishwasher, _and_, yes, I like them cold," back up to my crowish chortling cohorts, steadying myself to open the door.

To Edward.

With his perfect paranormal hearing.

Sexy fucking Edward, my boyfriend, my sometimes-lover, my vampire-man, my age-old chivalrous mate.

And me, with a giant blown-glass and intricately patterned dildo in each hand.

"Good..._morning?"_

_  
Holy Hell, morning wood never looked so good!_

I licked my lips, and arched an eyebrow at him.

"So, what…exactly, did you have in mind?"

I'm pretty sure the glittering glint in my eye and cock-eating grin plastered across my face gave me away, though, as I stood there with the Jeopardy theme running through my head. I knew what I wanted.

"I just wanted to know if I got these…clean enough?" The bastard was gonna play hard to get, eh? My grin got positively prodigious…mmmm, rather like him.

An idea came to me, as I watched his surprised face look from me to the dildos back to me again; it was his look of lust that threw me into quick action. _There will be casualties in this war. Must clear out the civilians._

"I'll be right back."

I ran upstairs as fast as my legs could carry me to my bedroom.

"Ladies, I'm sorry, you are gonna have to hit the road ,as the man is home, and I have a perfect scenario to set up to fuck with him." _ So I get fucked! Damn straight! _

Alice and Rose looked at each other and smirked. Bitches. They'd do the same to me. No need to be all judgemental. Bah, who am I kidding, I'd give them shit too.

"Shoo chickens...SHOO! Mama's got work to do!!"

Sighing, Rose put down my dog eared copy of _Vanity Fair_ that had Mr. Pattinson in it and smiled at me.

"Go get 'em tiger."

Alice zipped over to my closet and disappeared to the back. The outfit she brought back was perfect. It was a coquettish French Maid's outfit.

She stretched on her tip toes to whisper into my ear,

"Forget about the panties. Trust me."

As soon as they were out the door and bustling down the stairs I went on a tear putting on my costume and looking for my other favorite toy. I slipped it into the pocket of the petit apron of the outfit.

As I slipped into my 3-inch high, black Jimmy Choo Mary Jane stilettos, I gave myself a once over in the mirror. _He was going to shit bricks. _

_Or have me committed. _

_Or fuck me senseless._

Hopefully just fuck me senseless.

On my way back to the living room I stopped to get my cleaning caddy, which was, of course, spotless. I considered it my housekeeping tool belt. I dumped the homemade, organic cleaning supplies out of it and onto the dryer, refilling the caddy with my little assortment of playthings.

I tip-toed to the living room to find Edward, brow furrowed, scrutinizing my two dildos he was left holding.

I bit back a snicker. Damn he was sexy when he was jealous.

_Show time._

My heels clicked across the floor with my rapid tiny steps. Damn these fuckers were high. Sexy though. Edward's eyes lit on them and blazed up my body, leaving my skin molten in the wake of his hungry gaze. I put down my cleaning caddy and walked over to him.

"Non, non non, Monsieur eeez not for you to be jealous over."

His eyebrow quirked upon seeing my sexy costume and the little game it enabled, he smiled, turning up his beautiful mouth only slightly before he composed his features into a dangerous leer.

I gulped.

He saw it.

_Fuck_. I was in trouble now.

"It's not? Perhaps you are not using your tools properly. Hand over your weapons, Ms. Swan."

I tick tacked across the floor, feeling the flouncy short skirt of the outfit lift and bounce against the curve of my very naked ass. I bent over with my naked nummies exposed for him to see, and I heard him suck in a breath. I smiled as I picked up my cleaning container and turned back to him.

"Sit on the couch please Ms. Swan."

I did as I was told. As I was about to cross my legs Edward's long cool fingers slipped under my knee.

"Perhaps I could assist you on how your _apparatus_ should be used. It's important to use implements such as this properly to get the full effect of their abilities."

He placed my leg over the arm of the divan to position me. Georgia O' Keefe paintings drifted through my mind as I wondered what he saw there, as his eyes were luminous and large. He licked his lips and sank to his knees in front of me.

Leaning in to kiss me, his breath was warm and humid across my lips; he tasted of nectar and honey. The food of the gods. His lips latched onto mine as he sucked, nipped and plucked at my mouth with reckless abandon.

Knuckles drug lightly along the inside of my thigh, I sucked in an anticipatory breath as I heard a click and the familiar buzzing sound of my orbiting egg. _That sucker needed a 9 volt battery._ My stomach coiled as he gently touched the outer ridge of my mons with it. Breathing into my ear he rasped, "I'm going to make you see stars."

Pressing the vibrating gem along the cord of nerves that ended in a tiny all-powerful bundle, he increased the speed gradually as he got closer to my clitoris. He inserted his slender index finger deliciously into me as the buzzing toy finally connected with my sensitive sweet spot.

"Ohmyfuckinggod" I squeaked. My whole body spasmed, then tightened. I spread my legs wider.

He pressed harder with the egg, rocking it back and forth over me relentlessly, his finger pumping in and out of me slowly.

He stopped, removing his delightful digits. I ached for the loss of him. Thankfully he kept the busy buzzing beaver buffer on me, sliding effortlessly over my pink bits. My hips moved in a primal undulating dance of their own design.

It was then that I felt the cold hard smooth surface of my favorite toy, Mr. Glass. The ribbed striations along the shaft made my eyes roll back in my head. He was inserting it so slowly and watching so intently... his succulent mouth slightly agape in awe. He was beautiful. Catching my eye, he smiled and pushed the dildo into me with just enough force to curl my toes.

I threw my head back on the couch, flying free from all of my inhibitions. My hands reached down to take the toy from his fingers which flew immediately to the buttons of my shirt, ripping the fabric to get to my breasts.

He licked and sucked at my diamond hard nipples as he worked the glass cock in and out of me. He brought me to the very edge of ecstasy, my eyes blurring and seeing vibrant colors in the back of my head, when he pulled out the toy and replaced it with his own rock hard tool. He was so cold and smooth, harder than steel. I could feel every pulsing inch of him as he pushed into me.

Wrapping my legs around his back, I felt him place his hands above my head for leverage before he fucked me like rock star. The sounds escaping his body made me shiver, his professions of bliss and love filling my airspace as his pelvis slammed against mine. A slow burn began in my stomach and spread to my nether regions so quickly I thought I would experience oxygen deprivation, the orgasm was so violent.

Edward pulled out of me just as I came, his own release jettisoning to the carpet to mingle with my own.

Edward flopped down beside me, helping me move my leg from the couch arm bringing them up across his lap. He removed my shoes and began rubbing my feet.

"Did you see stars?" he purred to me.

"Oh yeah. I saw the whole effin' Milky Way."

We both giggled as we both looked at the splotch of love goo on the carpet. I wondered if vampire cum would show up under black light.

_~~ll~~_

I got the instructions to my carpet and fabric cleaning kit out of the bag and read the list of common spills.

OK, all common or garden household situations, divided into spills "on the floor" and "above the floor". Nothing helpful on the "type of stain" list for me. Body fluids were the closest description I could match; the stain came from fluid and the fluid came from a body. I was sure the chemical compositions had to be similar in scope and the cleaning procedures comparable to those for pet stains, blood, urine and excrement, _EWWW_! Maybe I did have it good with this mess.

Philosophical questions aside, how was I supposed to clean vampire spooge mixed with human girl secretions out of a sofa cushion? The toys and props were easy, into hot soapy water they went. For the carpet, I could use the Shop-Vac for extraction if I got to it immediately. But upholstery fabric was not something I had washed before.

First step, vacuum. I could do that.

Second step, pinch and lift solids. OK, liquid, not solid, here, nothing to pinch or lift, unless it was a body part, and that was how we got into the problem in the first place.

Third step, lightly spray cleaning product onto clean white terry towel and blot. Repeat until stain is gone. Do not rub.

Fourth step, repeat step three with neutralizing spray.

Easy enough.

Better read the instructions again.

Damn, here's the killer: _If a spot does not respond to this procedure, please call your service center for assistance._ Dandy, I could hear it now. "And what caused the spot, Miss Swan?"

Far better to say, "Edward, we need to buy Charlie a new sofa." He liked spending money on me; this was the perfect time to pull in that marker.

_Yeah, that's what I'll do. Right after I repeat the instructions again._

1. Shake can.

2. Hold nozzle 4 inches away from stain.

3. Let foam sink in for 10 minutes.

4. Blot, do not rub as this can cause stain to spread.

5. If spot does not respond to this procedure, please call your service center for assistance at (800)IMA-SPOT

"Bella, as much as I think chapped hands, from cleaning too much, are sexy, can't I just hire someone to come out and take care of this for us? I know of a good firm in Cincinnati."

"Edward, you know Charlie will be home from his fishing trip with Billy tomorrow night. There isn't enough time. Now hand me that can of Lysol over on the counter. We need to get rid of the sex smell in here."

Edward chucked me the can, which I caught mid air. I gave myself a mental high five and read the front of the lemon-scented can. "It says here Lysol will kill the H1N1 virus on contact." I tapped my chin. "Hey, I was reading about when the Spanish Influenza spread throughout Chicago it was actually a strain of the Swine Flu. Did you know that?"

"_Oink, oink, wee_! I didn't know that. Why do you ask? _Oink, weeee_!"

"Oh, you're a funny guy."

"I try."

"This stain isn't going to clean itself, soooo, Edward? Sweetie pie, honey bunch, the one I love to munch?"

"What did you say?"

"The one I love the most?" Of course he heard that.

"Yes?"

"You know how I never want you to buy me anything? Can we take a trip to the furniture store and buy my dad some new digs?" I resorted to eyelash batting and bestowed him my best _come hither _smile, hoping to dazzle my over-generous vampire.

Edward picked me up - now it was my turn to squeal like a piglet, grabbed my jacket, and was out the front door with keys in hand. Since Forks didn't have a decent furniture store, we headed to Port Angeles. I snuggled into the plushness of the heated seat Edward graciously turned on for me, and turned to stare at my granite man.

His eternal _bed head_ never ceased to stir up a maelstrom of sugared butterflies in my tummy. His sideburns, unruly and curling in disarray were a slightly darker shade of auburn, - the exact same color as his pubic hair -than the thick strands currently dancing liquidly away from his scalp. _Bohemian_. Living and breathing, whether a trick of my mind or not, they called to me, urging me to reach in and wind my fingers through like a kneading kitten.

Edward closed his eyes and rooted his head into my questing fingers. My inner Susan B Anthony smiled at the empowerment. I scooted closer to him and leaned over the center console using my jacket as a cushion to cover up the emergency brake. His ear begged me to stick my tongue in it, so I obliged. I tasted and teased at the inner corrugations and seized hold of his lobe like a delectable morsel of steak.

"Mmm, even your earlobe tastes good."

"All the better to hear you with m'dear." _Big Bad_ W_olf jokes now?_

"I wonder what else might taste good?" My hand wandered down to the hiking fabric at his groin. He scrunched down on the leather seat to give me better access, causing the seat to groan and make a rather embarrassing sound. Edward's eyes popped wide open and gave me with a sheepish grin.

"Excuse me."

"Really? Vampire fart humor? Does Emmett write this stuff for you?"

"Actually, it's Rosalie."

"Hardy-har-har," I quipped.

"You were busy doing what?" He reminded me.

"It just lost some of its appeal now."

His right hand let go of the steering wheel and let his fingers do the walking across my shoulder, stopping long enough to pinch my nipple and continue south-bound. "What can I do to start it up again?"

My stomach clenched in anticipation as his fingers flattened out on my pussy, pressing right up against my mini-Bella. It was enough for me as I rubbed over his prize fighting cock. Magically, his zipper came open, his chones and his pants were lowered to his thighs. His smugness knew no bounds.

Oh, well, when in Rome. I quickly pulled my jeans and undies down so I was riding the leather bareback as Edward was. I leaned back over my jacket leaving my ass popped up in the air enough for him to reach over my back to reach the Promised Land.

I licked my lips in anticipation as his Chicago-size dick lengthened and beckoned me to take a pass with my tongue. I was constantly amazed at the diamond veneer taste of him. I filled my mouth to overflowing, circling and bobbing my head while he smoothed over my creaminess.

He accelerated down the darkening highway while I matched his speed, skimming, jerking and squeezing his dick with the friction of my pumping hands and lips. I teased over the crown, licking the ridged lip and blew on him. His little smiley face winked and begged for me to kiss it. Delving my tongue into the narrow opening, I kissed and plundered while he sighed as he watched me.

Emboldened, I told him, "I love the way you feel in my mouth. Dream about making love to you this way. Actually crave the power of you filling me up like you do my pussy."

Edward groaned low. His balls hefted up, pulled tightly by the very strings carrying his cum waiting to geyser down my throat. His strong racing fingers circled and tested my opening, then dipped in to coat themselves, slickening on my puffy pink skin. He pressed on my button, opening me up like a rose. I felt myself bloom and weep for him while his cock leaked and quested into the farthest recesses of my mouth.

"I need you on me. Pull your pants off the rest of the way. I have to be in you right now," he pleaded. "Are you ready for me?"

"I'm always ready for you. Don't you know that?"

Edward made a sound like trying to suck in water through a blocked straw and never missed a beat. He pushed his seat back a couple of inches to make room for me, mashed on the clutch, and had me cleared over his gearshift and positioned over his dick. I sank down just as he shifted into overdrive.

I rode his cock while feeling the hum of the glossy black asphalt under us, speeding away the miles. Edward devoured my mouth, leaving nothing left unexplored. He pushed his tongue in, mimicking the bucking of my hips in his lap. He drove with out looking, thrilling me, scaring me, turning me on even more.

"I'm not going to last, come for me." Edward put his free arm around me and ground me onto his pubic bone, let me feel the tickle of the coarse hair there, let me feel the hardness ghosting against my clit. I set off like a bottle rocket; careening through the air, shining brightly, freely.

Edward stiffened and pushed up into me, hard. His ass lifted off the leather seat pushing the top of my head into the headliner. I craned my neck and kissed the top of his head as he pistoned and blew his entire life's being straight up my channel. I felt every single surge from the top of my head all the way to the tips of my toenails.

It was a good thing we finished, because we were already pulling into the parking lot of the furniture store. Thank God for Edward's tinted windows. No one could see unless you looked directly into the front window. I didn't care. A little voyeurism added to the hedonistic flavor, but I knew Edward wouldn't want anyone to see my naked ass as he pulled me off his pole and moved me over to my side of the car. I was glad for his strength, because right now, I was completely boneless. I pulled my panties and jeans up as he walked around to my door, adjusting his package.

"Let's go in and find another couch to ruin, my sweetling."

And reaching the store filled with beds and furniture we turned the heads of every male and female within 100 yards. How could we not? Two beyond beautiful creatures; Edward with his sex hair and me missing a few buttons on my shirt. And where did my bra go? Edward really was good with his hands, I hadn't noticed it missing until now.

As we approached the door I heard a low growl erupt from my boyfriend's talented lips. I looked in the direction of his glare and saw a group of high school aged boys. I couldn't imagine what was going through their minds to get Edward so worked up. He had been doing so well controlling his jealousy.

"Don't worry baby," I whispered in his ear, so low only he could hear it. "You're the only seventeen year old I like to fuck." I nibbled on his lower ear after I finished speaking, causing another growl to emanate from deep within.

I knew this growl. I liked this growl. It meant he was hungry. But rather than blood, he wanted my body.

"Edward, not now! We need a new couch, as you just said."

"Forget the couch! Alice is much better at shopping than we are. She'll have one sent to the house by the end of the week. Now, get your sweet little ass in the car so I can take you home and fuck you proper."

"Isn't that what we just did in the car?"

"Bella, there is nothing proper about screwing you in the front seat of my car, while I'm driving I might add. I'm a nervous wreck. I want to lay you down, lick you from head to toe, and then make you scream my name. Now get in the car."

"But Edward, we're at a store _full_ of beds," I purred, grabbing his hand and tugging him towards the store entrance. The thought of someone seeing us in the car hadn't fazed me. We would have driven by so fast they wouldn't even know what they saw. But the thought of someone catching us, in the throes, in a bed that wasn't ours, had me fully turned on.

Edward resisted my insistent tugs and being solid, choice, vampire, I couldn't budge him without his agreement. So I opted for another tactic. I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my full body against his. My breasts pushed up and across his chest, and I could hear his breath catch in his throat.

"Edddddwaaard" I started in a low voice, my tongue slid up the front of the chilly column of his neck. "Please? It's what I want most. Right. Now. You said you would always give me anything." I nipped at his marble flesh and I heard the rumble in his chest. I was so going to win this. His cock stirred against me and I could feel it pushing against the zipper of his jeans. A crazy blind thing struggling for air; searching for warmth and wet... I had just what it needed. Edward's nostrils flared, and I knew he could smell my arousal stirring between my thighs.

"Bella" he groaned. "What do you do to me?" _Yep. Soooooo gonna get this_. I tried to contain my inner fist pump and not bounce in my heels like Alice's psycho twin.

Edward pulled me back into the store. It smelled like stale carpet and bad salesmen's cologne. My brain spun on the thought of using some Febreeze and giving this place a proper vacuuming to make it smell fresh. I started making a mental list of supplies I would need when Edward broke me out of my reverie by squeezing my ass.

_I'll take hot vamp sex in public for $100, Alex._

Edward looked at me, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Were you thinking about cleaning?" I could see amusement tempered with annoyance flitting behind his umber eyes.

"Who me?" I blinked at him. No way was I losing out on Edward Proper-pants behaving badly. _No sir._ I kissed the frown line above his nose and pulled back, biting my lip and trying to look as innocent and sexy as I could muster at the same.

Edward rolled his eyes and pulled us along the stores aisles of furniture and bad decor. My eyes flitted over dusty surfaces and finger smudged glass topped tables. My inner goddess was squicking at the thought of many hands and whatever else that had graced the various surfaces. _Pledge, lint-free cloth, Windex..._

In a more secluded corner of the store, Edward pushed me slightly into a display done up like a bedroom. The gold duvet made me gag slightly. _Who picked this? _I pushed the thought aside and focused instead on the icy fingered god I planned on ravaging. I grabbed at the front of his pants and tugged him toward me as I backed up until my knees hit the mattress and sat down. I had to be quick before Edward decided he was going to insist on something more proper. I looked up at him from under my lashes and licked my lips, "Mr. Cullen, I want to have my wicked way with your cock." I pulled the button fly apart and his erection bobbed free. _Lord love a commando vamp!_ His lovely length danced and swayed in front of me as I leaned in and traced its head with my tongue. Fire and ice indeed. Edward hissed as I stroked the cool veined shaft with one hand and licked and teased before taking him into my mouth fully. He leaned his head back and clenched his hands at his sides. No doubt trying not to grab my hair and bruise my scalp. I grinned around his girth and willed my gag reflex into submission as I bobbed and stroked. My other hand cupped his sac and teased his taint as I ran my fingers down to and across his gorgeous ass. Edward started to shake and I could hear growling in his throat as he struggled to stay quiet.

With each pass and swirl of my tongue across the head, he visibly shuddered and muffled curses left his lips - and a lot more than curses left my own _southern_ ones. If I wasn't careful I'd end up paying for the soon-to-be-damaged duvet I was sitting on. As if reading my mind, Edward looked down at the manmade fibers and cringed. God forbid I would be forced to purchase something less than Egyptian cotton.

Taking a long, drawn out sniff of the air, Edward's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his lips drew up over his teeth, making a low hissing noise. I felt his hands rest lightly on my shoulders before traveling slowly up to my head and gripping my hair to the point of pain. As his hands bunched into my roots a feeling of euphoria rushed over my body.

_Who knew I liked it rough? __Bella Swan__, official hoor with her __Double Wide__. Hang on, double wide? I think not. Tight as a ducks arse, thankyouverymuch. I ain't flapping in no wind!_

I could feel him moving quickly towards the edge and attacked him with more vigor. His grip on my hair got tighter, and his hips jerked forward as I paid special attention to the frenulum. The sudden movement caused me to bite down, hard. I could hear the sound of my enamel scratching along his hard cock, something akin to nails down a chalkboard. That sound had always made my toes curl but never for the same reason as right at that moment. I fully expected Edward to recoil backwards in agony, but the complete opposite happened. He growled and the vibrations shot straight down his cock, tickling my tonsils in the process.

Seeing the look of intense pleasure on his face, my inner goddess proceeded to do a touch down dance through around the bed and through the aisles, humming the theme to Jeopardy.

"_Someone who can drive __Edward Cullen__ wild with her mad oral skills."_

"_Hmm, would that be 'Who is __Isabella Swan__, __Alex__?'" _

That hummer would have definitely earned me 1,000 points. I beamed like Ken fucking Jennings -- my hero and all-time Jeopardy champ.

But now,we were once more back home, and I was ready for my turn. I knew what category I was hoping Edward would choose from. After all, wasn't reciprocation part of good sportsmanship? I decided to ensure my winnings by going into a championship round.

"Shit, Bella," Edward groaned as he rolled on his back in exhausted satisfaction. "Do you even _have_ a gag reflex?"

I actually didn't give his question much thought, because what he did next inhibited my ability to speak. He wiped his dick with the sheet! With..The. .Sheet. Didn't I just remind him to use the wipes I had set up on the bed stand? I had just changed them today and now they were....soiled! Contaminated with cold, left over saliva and vampire spunk!

"Ugh! Edward what did you just do? Get up -- get up! I have to change the sheets." I scrambled to the bed and started stripping the bedding. All of it had to be changed due to cross contamination.

"What the...?"

He obviously thought I was joking because he didn't move an inch. I pulled with all my might, but I wasn't able to move his granite ass one bit.

"Woman, you got to work on your Miss Clean obsession! Sex is messy, and I'm just getting started." He grabbed my arms and pulled me down on top of him. With a crooked smile that made me pause, he added, "In fact, I purchased something I really think will please you and fits right in with your...need for cleanliness."

"Fine," I said seeing a way to get him off the damn bed so I could finish the clean up. "Go get it then."

That did the trick. He bounded out of the bed and took off down the hallway. I adored watching it bob around like that.

Recovering, I quickly ran to the closet to pull out another set of white sheets. I loved white sheets -- they were so bleachable!

Breathing in their wonderful, sanitized smell, I bent over to spread the fitted bottom sheet over the mattress.

The lights went out, and what I felt next made me squeal with delight.

I had learned to thoroughly enjoy cold, smooth things rubbing against my toasty lady parts, but what was sliding between my cheeks as I bent over the bed was way beyond what Edward had ever produced.

And I liked it!

He leaned over me, preventing me from moving while he continued to slide the frigid arctic object around my slickening sex. "Do you like it, my love," he asked in a low, husky voice. "I know how fond you are of my steel-cold rod, so I couldn't resist giving you this gift..."

I spun around to find Edward holding a glow-in-the-dark phallus in his hand.

"_What the fuck is this_?!"

"Well, according to the packaging, it's piece of erotic glass art that says 'I love you' better than any piece of fine jewelry. And," he said with a sparkle in his eye, "the package also states that since glass sex toys never absorb anything they're are a snap to scrub clean. But the best part," he paused for effect, "I put it in the _freezer_."

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him --and I didn't know how potent that part might be -- that had potential to make my erotic, germ-free fantasies come true. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with frozen, glowing, nonporous glass dildos!

"Oh, Edward! You bought me prick-shaped bake ware!" Throwing my arms around my lover, I hugged him with a erocity to match Emmett's scary man-size hugs!

"Nothing's too good for you, and my little ninety-eight point six degree jewelry box

_Snort! Did he just call my pussy a jewelry box?_ I liked the sound of that. Shakily, I asked Edward, "Would you do me the honor?"

"Now?" I nodded. "Absolutely. Be right back." And, he was as he reverently placed the joystick in my hand like it was a Grammy award.

It was so pretty. A delightful tribute of sheer poetry crafted by glass blower's talent. I turned my new toy over and over in my hands, staring at it's clarity glinting and refracting the glow of the tinkle lights adorning the eaves of my bedroom walls. The neon hearts and swirls outlaid on the cylinder shaft promised many, _ribbed for her pleasure, _moments.

I kissed the frosty mushroom tip of the seven inch Pyrex thrill giver, sucking it just past my lips, using my cherry gloss as lubricant. I twirled the sleek head in my mouth, letting the ridges click on my front teeth. Edward's doubloon eyes narrowed as his pitchy pupils dilated to the size of cat-eye marbles.

His hands stilled mine and took it from me. He pushed the head past my lips again and I watched as his tongue darted out like a spear to lick his lips. Edward's mouth mimicked the movement of mine as he continued to plump the head of the toy in and out of my mouth. My lips curled up into a smile as a thought occurred to me. He was enjoying this far more than I ever could have imagined.

Coiling myself up on my knees to be flush with him, I moved closer and placed my hand on his, holding the dildo still for just a moment. I brought my face to his, grabbed the back of his head by his hair with my free hand, and held him in place as I rubbed the toy across both our lips, tonguing and tracing the raised hearts before sliding it just past his slick oral brim.

Edward let out a surprised groan and allowed me to continue to make love to his mouth with my present. I pulled it out of his pouty lips and laid it on my coverlet.

"Lie back, lover." He obliged, using his feet to push back so he was resting on the pillows. His knees slightly bent as he reclined with me nestled between them.

I reached up and gilded the tip of the Pyrex prick under Edward's chin, down the tight column of his neck, across his collarbone, and dipped down to encircle first his right nipple, then his left. My pussy clenched in sweet agony as both flat discs puckered to a sharpened point. Each of my nipples wound themselves up so tightly, I couldn't help pinching one, bringing a minor orgasm through my swelling clit. A lone trickle of completion slipped from my body and beaded down my thigh.

Utter fascination crossed his Angelo features as his nostrils flared to gather in the scent of the cream leaking from my body. I kept up my erotic assault to see how far Edward would let me go. He didn't stop me when I pushed the tip into the divot of his bellybutton, but his hand did manacle my wrist when I crept up on his bucking shaft and the hefty sac housing his balls.

"Bella, I bought this for you, not me." His eyes were tight around the edges from the paces I was setting him through. "Now, hand it over and no one gets hurt, see?" he quipped in a Jimmy Stewart impersonation.

I primped my lips out to pout at him, but he wasn't having it. "Oh, all right, but don't think this discussion is over with, young man." And, I tapped him on his dick with the glass tip, making a sound like two fluorescent shop lights clinking together. Giggles escaped me. The similarities weren't lost on me.

My giggles turned to gales of laughter when I changed my voice to Yoda and told him, "Draw your light saber, you must, young master Jedi."

"You want to cross swords with me, master Yoda?" Edward palmed himself and gave a few pumps before wrapping his fingers around the base and swinging it around in the air making _voovm _sounds.

We both collapsed in fits of laughter until Edward flipped me on my back and buried his face deep into my cunt, sixty nine fashion. His long tongue pushed deep in my slit, plunging in the opening and retreating back up to my fort, then licking all the way down my crease to my back button. I nearly shot off the bed when his tongue wagged and waved over and over the sensitive skin there.

He pried my fingers off my shiny toy and slicked it with his venom and my own juice before sliding it halfway past my fluffy lips. Edward continued to lick and nibble at the tightly puckered skin below as he worked the day-glow cock in and out of me. I was on complete sensation overload. His own Pyrex dish flagged in front of me, nudging at my mouth, so I opened wide letting him hit the back of my throat to retreat and advance again as I came, vicing on the prize like a soldier holds his rifle during battle. My orgasm shot clear through me threatening to dislodge the glass dildo held firmly in place by Edward's skillful hands. His dick stifled the shotgun sounds keening from my lungs.

He pulled his cock from my mouth and shifted his body around to lie on top of me. He attacked my mouth while grinding himself on me gently. He probed and sank in, rolling and flexing his hips.

"Bella, do you think you could handle both of us?"

"At the same time?" _Whaaat is he asking me? In the same place? Oh hell no! I was no D-grade porn star._

"Uh, no, um," he stammered. "Can I, um, can I stick it in your ass?"

_Phew! _I did a mental shake. That I would be willing to try. I was certainly relaxed enough. Thrilled to the idea, I assented.

He kissed me again, harder, then moved to my neck. His tongue was no longer cold as it was warming to my skin rather nicely.

"I bought some warming lube too so we could explore all avenues." Edward reached for a generic black plastic bag from a sex shop, and extracted a small vial of clear liquid with a black pop-top lid, as well as a clear silicone ring with a silver egg shape embedded in it. There was a dial control connected to it by a twelve-inch long cord.

"Trust me, Yoda?"

"Absolutely with all my heart and light sabers I possess."

"Hold on, you're going to be in for a bumpy ride." Edward slid the silicone ring onto the dildo all the way to it's base.

"You're not going to use that on me without washing it first, right?"

"Uh, oh yeah. Be right back." He escaped to the bathroom, but not so fast, I didn't get to appreciate the pear shape of his rockin' ass, or the swing of his balls glimpsed between the crook of his ass and thighs.

I heard the water running for a minute before his return with the now germ-less wand in tow.

The bed dipped low as he settled back between my thighs. He squirted a generous amount of the lube on his palm and began to slick in between my folds. The tingling began as tinny little sparks flinted and spread heat across my greedy skin. Edward plied the glass head with more lube and spread my lips apart to watch the head disappear into my pussy, watched as ridges of the hearts and lines rippled in and out of my opening.

His fingers began massaging and oiling up my back entrance as I fought to stay relaxed. He tentatively curled his forefinger in up to the first knuckle. I clenched with the sensation of it, drawing in a searing breath. So foreign, so invasive, yet sexy and daring. Edward withdrew, but not completely before rallying on until the second knuckle disappeared, then withdrawing a bit more and working all the way back in. I gasped with pleasure just as he hit the vibrator dial.

I came in an onslaught of hail and storm. Edward replaced his finger with the tip of his well-oiled cock while I surfed the barrage. Slowly, oh so slowly he pressed forward allowing me to adjust to his size. Coming down, I let my legs fall open as far as they could to allow him more access. Edward was up on his knees and lifted my lower back enough to place a pillow underneath my ass cheeks. Being filled by my Pyrex jewel and his ceramic prick was incomparable as they moved in tandem together.

Edward moved slowly at first and placed my feet against his shoulders to angle me better. I felt him swelling with his venom, so close while I urged him to go faster. It felt so much better this way. I needed him to move faster. His hips jerked against mine. The mixed sounds of our moans and skin slapping swirled and eddied like a marble cake. Dusky spices danced with flowing liquid to make a beautiful dessert of our love play.

I grabbed hold of his hips as Edward sped towards his climax. With his eyes shut, he sought out the dial once more and turned it all the way to ten. My feet slipped off his shoulders, and I shot straight up as I came for the umpteenth time today. Edward roared with his own release, politely pulling out and shooting his load all over my tits and belly, shuttling his hand over his cock until he finished glossing me with his fluid candy syrup.

We fell back to earth on the bed facing each other in the process. I had already discarded my present and turned the vibrator off. Bringing my breathing and heart rate down a notch, or four, was in order, as I realized I had just shared the single most intimate moment with my vampire boyfriend I ever could. For once, there were no words.

When I picked up my pretty work of art, I noticed a perfect crack slivering through the middle of the shaft. Light refracted with a rainbow of color from the internal tear. It reminded me of Risky Business where Tom Cruise's mother finds the crack in her prized glass egg at the end of the movie.

I turned to Edward and assumed my best impression of Joel's mother from the movie.

"I am very disappointed in you, Joel."

Edward caught on immediately and using his maddening smirk. _Mr. Smirky McSmirkysome. _"Time of your life, huh, kid?"

_~~ll~~_

I awoke slowly. Stretching my arms and legs beneath the covers. Muscles aching deliciously in all the right places. _Mmmmmm_,after all of our…_exertions,_ it was no wonder I slept so soundly and awoke so sore.

Reaching over, I found the bed disturbingly empty. Edward? Huffing quietly at his absence, I pulled my reluctant body from the bed in search of him.

Pulling on my robe, I padded quietly from the room towards the sound of squooshing? Peeking around the doorway into the kitchen, I found the source of the odd, but familiar sound and the fuckhottest sight any woman could hope to behold.

Edward, in a pair of faded, worn jeans, scrubbing the kitchen floor on his hands and knees. _Gah_...

.

Normally, watching the play of muscles beneath his skin was erotic torture on its own, but with the scrub brush in one hand and the other bracing his weight off of the floor? Holy crow! There were no words.

Coppery hair moved gently against his head with each stroke of the brush. Shoulder muscle bunching and releasing. Tiny droplets of water ran invitingly down his arm to his long, slender fingers as he brought the freshly rinsed brush from the bucket to the floor.

I exhaled in a rush, remembering that hand on me....

Edward's amber eyes danced with heat as he looked back over his shoulder at me. _Bastard, he's doing this on purpose._ Fuck the scrubbing bubbles...who needs 'em? I have him.

Hmmmm….I nibbled at my bottom lip, considering just how to get those hands on me and a sparkling bathroom at the same time.

"I'll be right back, Edward," I said, making sure to keep my tone completely nonchalant. "Would you please check the faucet for spots? I really like my reflective surfaces shiny."

Edward looked over his shoulder at me, his eyebrows lifting. "I do know how you like things to sparkle, love."

I collected the things I needed and came back to the bathroom, pausing to appreciate the slight rocking motion of Edward's hips as he stroked the faucet to a mirror shine.

"Looking good, sweetie," I purred and turned to the double vanity, making sure my ass tilted up invitingly as I stood on my toes in order to reach the top of the mirror. Edward's eyebrows shot up with his little cheeky grin, and then he returned his attention to the tub. I took the opportunity to execute my plan.

With a tube of red lipstick, I drew a succession of boxes on the mirror. As I finished, I cleared my throat and Edward's head turned to me.

"Bella, love, I just cleaned that mirror."

I hopped up in the middle of the vanity, picked up my favorite glass dildo, a bottle of Astroglide posing as anti-bacterial gel, and a fluffy white washcloth.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. It seems that there's a bit of lipstick on the board, Pat." I cast my eyes at the bottle of Windex and roll of paper towels. "Maybe you can help Vanna get everything all polished again and compete for some fabulous prizes at the same time?" I poured out some 'anti-bacterial gel' on the washcloth and began to rub the tip of my dildo. I looked at him through my eyelashes as I stroked the smooth, clear glass.

"Why, yes, Vanna," he stood, crossed his arms and tapped his chin as he counted the boxes. "Hmmm, may I have a K?"

I turned and added a K to the board, then unbuttoned my shirt, "Care to spin again?"

"I think I'd like to buy a vowel, Vanna."

"Of course, Pat. Each vowel will cost you one article of clothing." I held my dildo up to the light, appraising the shine, then continued to rub the surface.

"I'd like to buy an E, Vanna."

"Ooh, Pat…that's going to cost you two articles of clothing." I was rewarded with Edward's crisp white shirt and white undershirt. The sight of his smooth, pale skin and taut muscles made the familiar tension knot between my thighs and my pussy started to moisten.

"Again, Pat?"

"Yes, I'd like an S please, Vanna."

"Oh, that's two S's. Well done!" I handed Edward my shirt and hopped down from the vanity, well aware the movement had carried the fragrance of my arousal to his heightened sense of smell. I made sure to snuggle my ass against his hips invitingly as I leant forward to pull down my jeans.

"Please let me assist you, Vanna, " his velvet voice whispered in my ear as his hands covered mine, sliding the denim down my thighs, thumbs following behind and applying delicious pressure to the inside of my thighs. My jeans pooled at my ankles, and he lifted me out of them, and then placed his hands on my thighs again. "May I try again?" he asked softly, pushing me gently towards the marble vanity top. His thumbs rode along the inside of my thighs, flicking at the lace panties that already were soaking from the sound of his voice and exquisite touch. "Ah, in that case, I'd like an M, please Vanna."

"That's…" I sighed as he lifted the hair off of the back of my neck and trailed kisses over my neck and shoulder. "Two M's, Pat." His fingers deftly removed my bra and panties, "How about _mmmm_…an N?"

"One N," I gasped as he pinched and pulled at my nipples. _When did I lose control of this little game?_

"Oh dear…it would appear you're out of clothes, Bella. Here, let's try this." Suddenly, my dildo carved into my plush recess, and he worked it in and out a few times before letting it rest deep inside me. "I think I'll have another vowel…would Y count in this case as a vowel?" His fingers slipped up and down my throbbing clit while I nodded frantically, unable to speak through my panting breaths.

"And that was two articles of clothing, correct?" My head thrashed in compliance, and I felt his jeans and boxer briefs slipping off him. He pushed me forward further, continuing to slick the faux cock in and out as his index finger danced along my aching clitoris. "Hmmm…what have we left?"

"Vowels, Pat." I gasped as his fingers pinched quickly over and over at my swollen bundle of nerves.

"May I solve?" he crooned as he rested his throbbing shaft against my ass. The combined sensations of light pinching and smooth gliding made me gasp. "I'll take that as a yes. Would the puzzle be: _On my knees, in my ass?_ Hmmm?" I felt the Astroglide dripping all over my ass, running in rivulets between my cheeks and into my pert little entrance. His fingers worked the lube in generously, making sure I was very ready for him. As he slid his cold cock into my hot, lube-weeping ass, the dildo skated into my vagina more and more rapidly, and his knuckles grazed my clit in ever tightening circles, "I…think …I'll have you on your kneeslater… _aaarraag_… Vanna!"

I was falling over the edge from the different sensations: I had become an orifice to be filled, every inch of skin and nerve between my legs was his to play upon as he wished. The thrusts of his hips drove me closer and closer towards the vanity until my torso was supported by the marble that was almost as cold as the enormous vampire dick impaling my ass. Suddenly the delicious scent of Windex filled the room, and I was gone, _moaning_ through the orgasm racking my entire body as the perfect sound of paper towels on glass echoed through the room. Edward followed me over the edge, grunting as his thighs shook with the force of his own climax. He placed a line of feathery kisses along my back and withdrew carefully from me, then pulled the dildo from my still-shuddering pussy.

I raised my head, pleased not only at the red flush all over my chest and neck, but the gleaming mirror in front of me. Vampires are so much more preferable to humans, for both the pleasures of the body and household chores: they knew just how to conjure multiple orgasms while they multitasked, and they brought a lot of sparkle to everything they did!

* * *

~So? C'mon! You know you laughed your asses off, because we sure as hell did! Review please and send some lovin' to Lixxxy (yes, the triple 'x' is in there for a reason)!~


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